Breaking News: Deranged Trump Quits the Race!

 

Breaking News: Deranged Trump Quits the Race!

Time to Quit

Well, folks, the impossible has happened. Pigs must be flying, hell is freezing over, and Trump, yes that Trump, has quit the race. According to the most reliable source of information ever known to mankind—social media—Donald J. Trump, the man who once claimed he could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot someone without losing voters, has called it quits. Who would've thought?

Last night, in a stunning display of what can only be described as peak Trumpiness, the former President decided that his true calling was not leading the free world, but rather, believing every absurd thing he sees on TV. He’s convinced that Haitian immigrants are now dining on our beloved pets and plucking ducks out of lakes for midnight snacks. Because, you know, if it’s on TV, it must be true, right?

But the real kicker came when Trump took the stage and did what he does best: throw his people under the bus. This time, the victim was his poor VP candidate, who is probably still wondering what just happened. Trump proudly announced that he would veto the national abortion ban—which, by the way, he’s not going to do—right before declaring himself the winner of the debate. Spoiler alert: no one else agrees.

Kamala Harris, meanwhile, was sending her team out to discuss the debate performances like a normal politician. Trump, on the other hand, doesn’t trust anyone to say nice things about him, not even the fawning hosts on Fox News. So, naturally, he decided to take matters into his own tiny hands. He probably even brought his own stats, claiming that 90% of the people thought he won the debate. The other 10%? They must’ve been kidnapped by the deep state.

Shockingly, he didn’t just say 100% of people thought he won. Maybe he took a page from Putin's playbook—always leave a little room for doubt, right? After all, 100% sounds a bit too much like fake news.

And then there was the debate itself. Poor Trump couldn’t help but take the bait every time Kamala dangled it in front of him. It was like watching a cat toy with a mouse, except this mouse was an 80-year-old man who looked like he had no clue where he was. By the end, he was wandering around like your lost uncle at Thanksgiving who’s had a little too much of the spiked punch.

Let’s face it, his biggest problem was that he was getting schooled by a Black woman who is, dare I say it, much smarter than him. He couldn’t even bring himself to say her name—probably because his advisors warned him that he’d butcher it. So, instead, he just referred to her vaguely, probably hoping nobody would notice.

Word on the street is that after the debate, half his advisors quit in sheer frustration. I mean, can you blame them? Watching Trump implode on live TV is one thing; being responsible for trying to clean up the mess afterward is another. So, is it that far-fetched to believe that Trump decided to quit the race? After all, the guy probably thinks he can just call up the election commissioner and ask for a quick 272 electoral votes to secure the win. You know, like ordering a pizza.

But alas, even his loyal advisors had to remind him that, no, you can’t just ask for electoral votes like you’re haggling at a flea market. This isn’t Georgia, where you can casually request 11,780 votes to magically appear. It’s a bit more complicated than that, even if he’s convinced it’s all just part of a rigged system against him.

So, there you have it. Trump has quit the race—at least according to some random post on social media. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Maybe he’ll be back, claiming it was all fake news. Or maybe, just maybe, he’s realized that running for President is a lot harder than it looks, especially when you’re up against someone who knows what they’re doing. Stay tuned, America. This circus isn’t over yet.



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